Pray Now Zimbabwe

2-8

Yesterday was really nice. I sadly spent most of the day working on the computer since I finally had some time and Internet access. (Keep in mind that what would take you probably an hour took me all day due to the incredible African connection.) Don and Willard continued to send me text messages the whole day yesterday apologizing and trying to get together. It’s interesting to see how much they really do care and how they react to having hurt me. I’ll probably get together with them later this week to put them out of their misery and because I really do like these guys a lot.

After being cooped up all day, I invited Luke and Isaiah to go on a walk with me. It was absolutely beautiful outside and we adventured through fields and compounds and hills. We went for a couple of miles, but it was so much fun that I forgot I went out for exercise! We saw a huge snake in a tree. They showed me this pretty dam and the governor’s house. We even went through a couple of people’s lands – Luke went through and then held the barbed wire fence apart for Isaiah and I to crawl through. It amazes me how friendly and giving everyone was. We would see the owners as we were breaking into their territory and they’d all just wave or greet us. Back home people get shot for this kind of stuff… I don’t get it, why is it so different? Meh, anyways, we also saw MONKEYS! They were too far away to see well, but they were playing up in the trees. Luke is planning on taking me out for a walk tonight at the time and place where I’ll hopefully see the monkeys better. Wild monkeys! I’m even a little nervous to be honest. But these guys know this area like you couldn’t even believe. I mean, I guess they’ve grown up here and all, but they knew exactly where they were going through random fields that we were covering our faces to get through due to how thick it was. I had no idea where we were at any point throughout the journey. Thank God I can trust these guys.

When I got home from our adventure, Pastor Lovejoy was gone. He had gone to pick up Juliet who had spent the weekend at her foster family’s house. I took a bath while they were gone and picked up a bit. But guess what – there was hot water for the bath!! Ok, so there was only hot water, but still. It’s so much easier to put in some scorching hot water and then fill it with the cold water in buckets than it is to have freezing cold water and have to boil up pots of water to add if you are desperate enough. I surprised myself at how happy I was to see Juliet walk through the door. We both ran to each other and hugged. I guess going through the loneliness of this weekend has helped me to appreciate the friends I do have here. I even felt a strange sense of comfort hearing her singing that usually just annoys me to no end when I hear it nonstop. Good ol’ Juliet.

To top off the night, Pastor Lovejoy brought home a pizza for dinner. Now this was no Double Dave’s or Pizza Hut pizza, but it sure did taste like a slice of heaven. It’s nice to change it up sometimes when you have sadza for every meal. Not to mention the American touch – it was the perfect ending to a comforting day.

After my little emotional breakdown there, I feel like a new person. I have such an immense sense of peace. I truly just feel content with myself and life. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to be home right now, but it’s not an overwhelming desperation. It’s like I’ve been cleansed for the time being. I’m coming to accept more and more each day that I’m here for a reason and God has a purpose for my time here. A very wise woman I know, Mrs. Hollier, reminded me that it takes 21 days to form a habit. I’m on day 18 and I’m starting to get into the swing of things.

This morning was somewhat hectic, but all part of the ride. Pastor Lovejoy has a meeting with the Vice President of Zimbabwe to complete the final touches to the water pipeline project we’re working on. We were in a hurry and of course there just happened to be extra traffic this morning. So he dropped Sankuru (“Uncle”) Stan, Juliet, and me off to find our own transportation to the Institute. Now, we were supposed to be painting in the Library more today and I didn’t expect to be going into town or anything, so I’m just wearing athletic shorts and a T-shirt. The entire journey from where we were dropped off, into town, and then onto High field where the Institute is located was full of hustle and bustle. People were all smashed into the Emergency Taxis (ETs) to get as much money as possible. Now I’m fairly used to these crazy rides by now, but it’s still just as exciting each time. In town, though, we had to walk a ways to catch the next ET to Highfield. Along the way, people were absolutely staring at me. This time, however, it wasn’t just because of the color of my skin. This time, it more so had to do with my short shorts. I didn’t want to wear anything nice in case they get covered in paint! Juliet and Sankuru Stan were laughing the whole time at the different comments we were getting and translating some for me. I was getting everything from “Is your friend (speaking to Juliet) naked??” to “We’ll give you a free ride in our ET with those legs.” It was rather embarrassing because I really don’t want to offend the culture, but I quickly made the choice to just do what I had to do and not let it bother me. There was nothing I could do at that point, so I just smiled at as many of the women as I could in an attempt to ease the problem I was causing with so much skin. You know what, though, back home these shorts are completely the norm. Heck, the ones I have on are actually considered somewhat “long” compared to many shorts girls are wearing in America. At least I am white so they are much more forgiving because they understand it’s just a cultural difference. If an African girl were to be wearing the same shorts as me, though, she’d be completely ostracized and made to put on a cover-up.

To top all of that off, turns out the extra paint was in Lovejoy’s car, so we aren’t even painting today! I would have been wearing a long skirt if it weren’t for our intentions of dirty work. Oh well, nothing to stress about, right?

So rather, Juliet and I are praying, praying, praying for Pastor Lovejoy’s meeting with the Vice President. I could tell he was somewhat stressed this morning and could use all the help he can get. I am also just busy doing office work, such as typing up a proposal that a woman has concerning the LEAD Health Care program. It was interesting to see how thoughtful people are about their people and nation of Zimbabwe.

I will be working at the Institute pretty much all day and then while Pastor LJ goes to a convention about Joice Meyers, I think, Juliet and I are going to go on another adventure with Luke and Isaiah. Luke is planning on taking me to see the monkeys up close tonight. We also have plans to go hiking along some mountains sometime and to see caves and the “locations” (aka the ghettos). It still amazes me at how well these guys know the land. They could tell you practically where every single little hidden path is or hole or anything. It always makes for a fun escapade. Hopefully I continue to make it back alive each time!

Note: I got dehydrated today and almost fainted. I drink so much water here, but I ran out of it at the Institute. I knew I needed to drink, but there was absolutely no purified water available. I knew I had to decide between fainting from dehydration or getting sick from drinking the tap water. I ended up just not drinking, but they went out and bought me tons of water (with my money, haha). It’s such a different concept not having water available. Back home you could find it anywhere… water fountains, water bottles, or even just drinking out of the tap – or hose for that matter. Here is a completely different story. But I’m thankful to now have some water, even if I do still feel weak. I think the lack of sleep I’ve gotten recently doesn’t help either. Pray for a good night’s rest tonight!

I took a day to relax today and work on this stuff. I was finally able to add a bunch of pictures… I tried to put as many as possible directly on here, but this didn’t cooperate too well. I have uploaded a bunch onto the “Zimbabwe” album on my facebook. Feel free to check them out!

Also, a huge thank you to Michael Smalley for getting on here and updating the overall page and changing the layout and such to make it most accessible. You’re a life saver!!!

On another note, I woke up this morning and had 11 new text messages and 7 missed calls. It’s funny, because I really do feel cleansed after all the tears and all the pain of yesterday. I woke up feeling refreshed (regardless of the lack of sleep I got). I can honestly say I am not mad at those guys even one bit. I have “forgiven” them – if that’s even necessary since it’s not like they meant to hurt me. I have told them numerous times that genuinely I am doing ok now and I’m not mad or upset. Even then, they continue to text me over and over again with things like:

“i really cnt find sleep coz o wat hapned 2dae, i knw dat u think dat we jus lyin africanz but dats not it & pliz do 4gv us”

(I know, the texting language is so annoying, but everyone seems to type like that here…)

“can we come over that side and spend the day with ya? pliz try 2 undstnd i knw we messed up ystday!”

“babes listen, pliz dnt react over emotions. may i pliz explain everything pliz?”

“im nw felin bad abt myself, may u pliz stat pickin up my calz” (I honestly did have my phone on silent and didn’t know they were calling)

“smbdy wishes dat u dnt feel bad, u be happy, u stop stresin, dat u 4gve him n dat smbdy z me”

So those were a few of the texts that I got. I kept telling them that honestly, I am over it and yes, I had been hurt, but I’ve truly forgiven them and that it’s ok. I even told them that although I probably can’t hang out today, that I’d like to definitely get together with them sometime this week. I mean it, too. They are nice guys and I really enjoyed hanging out with them, but dang, they are persistent!

I also got a text from my mom (through Skype) saying: “it was so good to talk to you today darlin, even though it seems all is going hard, especially face to face with all your deepest pain and loneliness and no way to sooth it, that is exactly where you need to be and exactly what you need to be dealing with, don’t run away from it, deal with it” “I’m so proud of you”

My mom is so right, too. This experience is the toughest thing I’ve ever been through, especially because I’m alone in it, but in the end, it will all have been a blessing. I know that is true. Moms always know exactly the right thing to say.

Oh, and also, to top it off, I got a text from Juliet (who has been gone at her foster family’s house all weekend) saying: “Hie Dany hw are you? Miss you so much dear! Gd day”

Now I have a large suspicion that Pastor Lovejoy has put these people up to this since he saw how distraught I was, but even if he did make them feel bad in knowing that I was hurt, it is still touching to see how hard they’re trying to make it up to me. Even annoying a bit because they’re so adamant about it, but even then, it does make me feel cared about.

Note: I just did some sneaking to discover that actually LJ didn’t have anything to do with how they responded. It was sincere. That just makes me feel even better… Oh, and Mbuya Evelyn is over making lunch and she actually waved in at me a smiled. That’s a first. I know she still doens’t like me at all, but it’s nice to at least get something decent from her. Thank you God.

2/7

I didn’t actually fall asleep last night until past 4 am. I was up by 7 am just because that’s how my body is timed at this point. It’s a beautiful day outside and I just spent about half an hour sitting out there, doing my daily devotional, listening to the breeze and the birds, and feeling the sunshine on my face. It was so peaceful.

I had briefly gone over this devotional yesterday or the day before, but still just felt like I was going through the motions of my faith, so I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Now, however, it seemed to sink in that the Lord is talking to me personally. I’m not going to lie and say that I fell down on my knees after yesterday and now have a clear understanding of the Lord and His power, etc. but I am feeling my heart open up to the idea little by little. That is all I’ve been praying for – that the Lord will open up my heart to His truth and love. I want to know Him. I need to know Him.

This is what my devotional said this morning:
“Satan has, in fact, a plan against the saints of the Most High, which is to wear them out. What is meant by this phrase, “wear out”? It has in it the idea of reducing a little this minute, then reducing a little further the next minute. Reduce a little today, reduce a little tomorrow. Thus the wearing out is almost imperceptible; nevertheless, it is a reducing. The wearing down is scarcely an activity of which one is conscious, yet the end result is that there is nothing left. He will take away your prayer life little by little and cause you to trust God less and less and yourself more and more, a little at a time. He will make you feel somewhat cleverer than before. Step by step, you are misled to rely more on your own gift, and step by step, your heart is enticed away from the Lord. Now, were Satan to strike the children of God with great force at one time, they would know exactly how to resist the enemy since they would immediately recognize his work. He uses the method of gradualism to wear down the people of God.”

Thank you Lord, for speaking so clearly to me. I feel like this was written about me, specifically, since it’s exactly what has happened. I have slowly, but surely over the past few years learned to rely on God less and less and rely more and more on the worldly things. My prayer time was cut shorter and shorter by computer time, until it was nonexistent. When I was upset or anything, I would turn to food or technology or even simply a friend, but never God. Sometimes I’d cry out a prayer in desperation, but only out of habit, not because I actually meant it or felt anything would be changed by it. I have been blessed with a bit of intelligence, and I have learned to rely on that and myself – “[felt] somewhat cleverer than before” – rather than the Almighty One. Satan is so deceptive, so sly. It happened so discreetly over time that exactly as this says, I didn’t even recognize it. Well, occasionally I would notice signs, but I always disregarded them since it was so subtle. I have now come to the point where there is nothing left. I have been gnawed at to the point of nothing, but even now, even when I have such little faith, I know that God can restore me from this lowest of lows. He is all-powerful.

The verse that was also a part of the devotion was this:

“Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:28 – 31

I have been praying for the Lord to show Himself to me. I know it goes against what faith is all about, but I want a sign. If I open up my eyes, I see them all over the place. Yes, I still have my doubts and feel skeptical about all these things, all these possible coincidences, but it does give me bits of hope. I sure can’t fathom his understanding. That’s the main thing that has broken me down. I am an engineer. I want to always know how things work, be able to understand them, have evidence behind each aspect of my life. If I were to create something someday without solid facts and understanding, people could die. Yet, if I don’t learn to let myself fall unto God, I will die. I have felt so exhausted day after day; I need His strength and power. I want to “soar on wings like eagles.”

Man oh man, I never imagined the journey this trip to Zimbabwe would take me on. I thought maybe help a few people, hopefully have an easy growth with my connection with God, etc. It’s only been a little over two weeks and I’m already exploring things many people don’t even fully think about in their entire lives. Only God knows what else will come about from all of this.

2-6

Note: I didn’t plan on actually posting this… it was more-so just me needing to journal and get stuff off my chest. I just decided to go ahead and put myself out there, though, regardless of how pathetic and embarrassing this is. It was so real at the time. I am going to continue to just be open and honest, like it or not.

I’ve never felt this extreme emotional pain before. I honestly didn’t even think it was possible. I’ve read about such things before, but never thought it was real. I’ve been through some tough times in my life, but I’ve always found ways to cope with them. I’ve grasped onto different coping mechanisms – some even that were dangerous, although not drugs or alcohol. Right now, though, I have nothing. My whole body aches and I feel faint. My throat is so tight and I don’t know if I even have anymore tears in my body. Everything has come crashing down. I’m so painfully lonely. I don’t have a close connection with anyone here. My only bits of hope and happiness have been wiped away. I want to go home so badly right now. I don’t even care that I sound like a baby… I want my mom’s arms around me right now more than I have ever wanted something. For the past hour I’ve been sobbing like a baby and shaking. My throat literally tightened up so much that I couldn’t breathe for a minute and thought I was going to pass out. I was actually hopeful that maybe I would pass out even, just so I could get a momentary escape from the pain.

I finally realized that I needed to give up on any bit of hope I had for my day. I let myself cry. Oh God, did I need to cry. I’m all alone here and there’s no way to ease the pain. I have tried calling every single number I have from back home. The reception isn’t working at all. For the past hour I’ve just been pushing redial for my mom. I want my mama. L I want my dad. I want Taylor or Nathan or Sam. I just need someone right now so badly.

I think Luke could hear me sobbing from outside. He called me to invite me for a jog with him and Dread. He knows that I’ve been wanting to do that, but my face is so swollen and blotchy right now from crying. My whole body is tingly from this immense pain that I’m forced to actually endure for once. I didn’t answer the phone when he called, but after the third time and I know he can probably hear it ringing, I did. I just told him I couldn’t go out. I’m so lost in my self-pity right now that even that couldn’t help me feel even a smidgen better. Then Treat just texted me to invite me to a barbeque with her. Again, I’m in absolutely no state to go out. I am depressed and maybe I even enjoy letting myself actually experience this pain for the first time. I hate it more than you can imagine, and I want to get out of it, but it’s so nice to just let it all out. To cry and cry and cry.

Mbuya Evelyn came back into the house to stir some pots or something for a minute. I know she doesn’t like me at all, but half of me wanted so desperately for her to just come in to see me. I want her to understand that I’m not stand-offish or snobby, I’m just confused and lonely. I don’t know what I’m ever supposed to do! I was hoping that she wouldn’t come in because she’d probably get satisfaction in seeing me suffer. Or she may try to ask what’s wrong and our language barrier would make it awkward, especially if she didn’t really care. Or maybe she’d just ignore me. But the other half of me wanted her so badly to just come into my room here where she knows I’m crying and put her arms around me. I didn’t want her to say a word, just to have someone here. I don’t feel like I can talk to Pastor Lovejoy because we don’t have that relationship. He’s a good man, but I just don’t feel THAT connection with him yet. It’s more of a polite, caring relationship. He’s letting me stay at his house and I’m working for him and we talk and such, but it’s just not there.

God, I keep pushing Send to call home and it won’t go through. Why is this happening to me?? Why, God, why?! I don’t feel you at all right now, I don’t even know if you’re there. Why does this have to be the time when my faith is at its lowest? Father, I NEED YOU! I can’t do this by myself. I just want to go home. Why do I have to be so damn strong all the time? I already know now that there is no way I’m going home. I’m here for a reason. I know that. But why does this have to be so hard? Can’t I learn lessons in an easier manner? Lord, just zap me with knowledge and lessons and I’ll be good. I know I can handle all of this, but right now it sure as hell feels like this is my breaking point. But what does that mean? I haven’t had some epiphany that God is the only way. I mean, I can tell myself that all I want, but my brain will not accept it just because that’s what I “should” believe. I need you, Christ, but how do I get to you? Or rather, how do I let myself get to you? I know you’re there, but my worldly ways are holding me back from you. UGH! Just put me out of my misery, please.

Oh great, now Mbuya Evelyn just came in. She told me to come eat, but I’ve already eaten and cannot even stomach the idea of sitting there and stuffing my stomach to keep her from hating me even more. She asked why I’m crying – more so demanded that I tell her in a really mean way. I told her that it was just something stupid, I just miss my family and stuff. She is now mad at me and that just got me going crying again. I really can’t imagine staying here another seven months. Hah, it hasn’t even been a month, so it’s actually longer than that. This is harder than I ever could’ve prepared myself for.

And to add to that, now Don (one of Thandi’s boys that I had initially had plans with today) keeps calling me. I’m so upset right now that I don’t want anything to do with them or anyone here. I keep just pushing Reject. I know that it is a different culture and that how they treated me is acceptable and normal here, but I can’t quite accept that. I want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them that I’m hurt and angry and that I had turned down other plans because I was excited to hang out with them. They crushed everything.

I have to admit to myself that they didn’t do anything. I let myself get to the state I’m at. I keep wallowing in myself and feeling sorry for myself. I want to go home so badly that I’ve even been hoping for something really bad to happen to me right now just so I’ll be sent home to get it taken care of and be able to save face. I have too much pride to go home on my own account. Screw my independence and self-will. Why can’t I just baby it up and go home? I want to be weak for once!

Golly, Don keeps calling me! I’m not going to answer tonight. Maybe I’ll tell him why later. The thing is though, normally I’m really open and honest with people and tell them straight=up how I feel, but this culture is so different that I don’t even think it will go over well. Oh well, I’m not going to worry about it now. I’ll just see how things go.

Luke just came over. I didn’t answer the door so he just came in and came to my room. He asked if I was ok and heard me crying. He asked what’s wrong and again, I just said “stupid things.” He told me to come out and chat with him. I thought about it – it’s nice to have someone to talk to – but I decided against it. I told him that I’d probably rather be alone tonight, but that I really appreciated it. And man, even though I turned it down, he has no idea how much that really did mean to me. People keep calling me now, like non-stop. I’m so disgusting and full of self-pity and swollen and blotchy that I can’t go out anyways. What’s the deal?! I would trade every single one of their calls just to hear my mom’s voice for a second. Just to hear her voicemail, even. I wish it would go through. I guess this is forcing me to not rely on my mama’s comfort and support. I’ve done that before, though, so why now? I don’t understand any of this… and I hate to admit it, but I know the clarity will come and I’ll know it was all for a reason someday. Right now, though, I just continue to write my thoughts on here since it’s all I have. I guess I’m learning to cope with my emotions in a healthy manner and actually journal like I’ve been told to before? Who knows? (and Luke’s answer just came into my head… “God knows.”)

I just thought, well why doesn’t God come down and wrap his arms around me like I need so badly right now? Then my thoughts went to that maybe He’d sent Luke here to do so. I don’t know. I don’t understand how the Lord works. I don’t understand God at all right now. Or rather, I don’t understand myself at all right now. All I know is that I want to go home. The sickest part of the whole thing, though, is that even if I were given the opportunity to go home right this second, I know that I’d turn it down to stick this hell out.

Oh. My. God. I just heard the sound of the call going through. I got a hold of my mom!!! She’s going to call me back in 10 minutes. She’s leaving my littler brother’s basketball game to go home and call me. I don’t know if I should call her back and tell her not to? It’s so selfish of me, especially when I don’t even have anything of importance to say. I just need to hear her voice. To cry to her. To hear that everything is going to be ok and that my mama loves me.

Well that’s that I guess. I just tried to call her back to tell her that I’ll be ok and that it shouldn’t be all about me. I can honestly say that I got out of myself for a second. But of course, I got some British biotch recorder come on to tell me that “you have insufficient credit to make this call.” Everything happens for a reason, though, right? Maybe God is cutting me a break and letting me keep from being strong and giving me the chance to cry to my mom when I need it so badly. Thank you Lord.

Oh, and it was either Luke or Isaiah, but one of the boys just came by again to check on me. They are Heaven-sent for sure. But whichever one it was, they told me Lovejoy is on his way home. I hope Evelyn didn’t call him or anything. I finally get to talk to my mom… I want to be able to cry to her and tell her everything, not filter it and keep in stuff for fear of anyone hearing. Dangit! Now I even more so wish I could call her back and tell her to not worry about me. Funny how things work out sometimes, huh?

Damn, I hear the car now. My mom will call me soon and it’s all for nothing.

So I ended up talking to my parents for about 45 minutes. We had a really nice chat and I just talked to them about everything that I was feeling and they were encouraging and insightful. My mom also pointed out ways that I can help the people here in achieving a better life just by enlightening them to some of the American ways of life that help us to succeed. My parents are some pretty smart people if I do say so myself.

During that time, Don and Willard tried calling me numerous times. Luke stopped by again, and someone else texted from a random number. Thandi’s boys texted to tell me that they were on their way to say hey, even if I didn’t want to hang out anymore. I convinced them to not come because I didn’t want to see anyone after such an emotional day. But the thought really does count in this case. They each sent text messages as well. I also talked to Lovejoy for a while about everything. I told him how I’m feeling and just everything that’s going on. He helped me to understand the culture here better and taught me that people don’t focus on time whatsoever here. Rather, they focus on the event. For example, these guys didn’t even give a second thought to our time, they just wanted to see me and spend time together. I, on the other hand, am stuck in my American roots and was focused on what time we were getting together, as opposed to what we were doing. When the time was disregarded, the event was crushed in my mind. I think we both need to learn from this. I am going to talk to them about keeping your word and how that applies to this, and I’m trying to learn to be more flexible and prioritize what the important aspects of this type of situation may be.

Lovejoy also taught me about how to REACT to situations.

R – Reach Out

E – Empathize

A – Analyze

C – Care (or something along those lines… to stay loving regardless, basically)

T – Talk, Train, and Transform

It obviously has much more depth to it than just the simple words, but I thought it was a very appropriate approach to people, especially here. They are walking a completely different path than I have been, so I can’t expect them to be on the same page as me all the time. I need to think about everything in a loving, thoughtful manner, that way people will, in turn, respond to me in such a way. If I truly want to help the people here – transform this nation – I need to handle myself in a Christ-like manner.

I’m about to go to sleep now. I’m exhausted after quite an emotional day. It’s been really difficult, but it’s been cleansing at the same time. I feel drained, but refreshed. Not only did I make it through a tough time (possibly the most emotionally-straining thing I’ve ever had to face without my usual coping mechanisms), but I’ve come to understand my role here a little bit more. I also am going to bed having realized that I actually do have quite a few people here that genuinely do care about me, they just don’t always show it in the same light that I expect or am used to. As my enlightened friend Kelly advised me… **** overcome, adapt. I am trying to take this one day at a time and learn something new each and every day.

Ok, so I’ve gotten behind in my events due to a lack of electricity or Internet or time. Again, welcome to Zimbabwe. So here has been my last couple of days…

MONDAY: I worked at the Institute all day. I had some time in the evening, however, so Juliet and I decided to go outside to hang out around the compound. Soccer aka “football” aka “borra” is really popular here. A few of the guys were out playing Monkey-in-the-Middle, soccer-style. They were actually using the soccer ball I gave them! One or two guys were just standing around watching, so Juliet and I joined. It was nice just hanging around, but I’m far more into getting into the games. I could only take it for so long until I had to join. Now, mind you, I’ve played many sports throughout my life- soccer was never one. I’m not good at it and I have just never had any interest. My adventurous spirit got the best of me, though. So Juliet and I joined in, and although we didn’t do well, we could at least keep up and have a good time. I had to reapply bug spray twice because mosquitoes were on the attack and I’m not exactly a fan of malaria or such.

After eating all the sadza and fatty beef, etc. for every meal (not to mention the full cream as milk, loads of butter, sugar, etc.), I decided to go for a jog. Juliet agreed to join, then I convinced Mbuya Evelyn’s two older sons, Luke and Isaiah, to join. They told me they were out of shape, so I figured it would be just a quick little outing. Oh my goodness was I wrong! Juliet dropped back with Luke about a half a mile into our jog, but Isaiah pushed me like you cannot even imagine. I am not in great shape myself, so I was just planning on maybe a mile or two. No, no, he had me jog at least three miles all over Borrowdale (the area in Harare that we live in). Juliet and Luke finally caught up with us and the boys took Juliet and I all over. We went through pastures and fields and even a compound. We walked for about five miles – in addition to the three miles we’d already finished.

It was about 8 pm and very dark by the time we were getting home. (There are no street lights) Juliet then discovered that she had lost her phone. We then recruited two of Luke’s friends that I’d met earlier, Costa and Kingston, to journey back out with us in search of it. I kept calling the phone so we would be able to hear it since it was pitch black outside. It rang for a while, but then as we approached the general area where it should’ve been, someone began pushing the End button when I called. The guys ran ahead to try and catch whoever had it, but the jerk turned off the phone and probably hid in the fields we were walking between. So Juliet got her phone stolen.

As we were walking back, I stepped in one of the many huge potholes in the little clay-dirt road that cars had to form themselves. It was full of water and I ruined my nice pink and white tennis shoes that I loved so much. Now they’re my brown and pinkish tennis shoes. Welcome to Africa, I guess.

We got back around 8:30 pm and Pastor LJ was gone. We found out later that he had to drive a man from the compound next door to the rural areas because the man’s father passed away. When someone dies here, everyone goes to the house immediately to mourn and stays there until the burial. It’s made into a big ordeal apparently – far more than back home.

So Juliet and I heated up dinner on the gas stove – by candlelight because there was no electricity or water – and had dinner. I also took a quick bath in inch-deep freezing water from a bucket, but only after I’d fished out the cricket that had decided to visit. This was also all done by candlelight. How all the houses here don’t burn down, I don’t know!

TUESDAY: Spent another day working at the Institute. Afterwards, we went to Pastor LJ’s brother’s house. His brother is a diplomat and lives in the nicest house that I’ve been in so far here. His daughter, Treat, is 22 years old and I thank God for letting us meet. LJ was waiting for his brother to get home, so we ended up hanging out at the house for over an hour or two. Juliet and I watched a little tv. (It was the first time I’ve watched tv since I’ve been here – SkyNews showing the Prime Minister’s briefing, so exciting…) Treat and I ended up talking then for a long time. She is from Zimbabwe of course, but she grew up in New York and has travelled the world and now goes to school in South Africa. She is the first cultured person around my age that I’ve met here. It was amazing to feel “civil” again and have someone to relate to.

Pastor LJ’s brothers finally got there and we had a big meal of, you guessed it, sadza, chicken, and collared greens. It was really good in comparison to the fatty chicken I’ve had the rest of the time here, so I was happy. I even ate with my hands like a good little African girl. (When eating sadza, you don’t use utensils at all for the entire meal… I haven’t quite embraced that part of the culture yet, but I made an exception in this case.)

After dinner, around 9:30, we left for the Farm with a full car. It was Pastor Lovejoy, Juliet, Lovejoy’s brother and his wife, Patrick and Thandi, and myself. We arrived there after 10:45 and I was absolutely exhausted after not very much sleep the night before and busy days. We visited with the family for a while – 4 boys and 2 girls – and then I finally had to excuse myself to bed. I’m sorry, but this time I just could not continue being polite and visiting when my body was shutting down I was so exhausted and I knew we were supposed to be up at 6 am for their daily family prayer and devotional.

Now Patrick’s wife, Thandi, is the most traditional African woman I’ve gotten to know so far. I could tell she wasn’t pleased with everything from my attire – a long skirt and T-shirt rather than a longER skirt and traditional top – to my lack of work since I’m a female (I had no idea what to do!). She showed me to the room I was to stay in and informed me that I’d be sharing a twin-sized bed with one of the girls, Alice. I told her I’d be happy to sleep on the couch or the floor; and I meant it. I don’t want to sound like a complete brat, but I just cannot sleep with anyone else in a small bed. I’m the lightest sleeper and I need my space or I just physically cannot sleep. I was so exhausted though that perhaps I’d fall asleep regardless.

I had to use the restroom before I went to bed. I tried to put it off because I didn’t know how to go about doing so in their house, but my bladder was about to explode. There was no running water at the time and a sign above the toilet about what to do if you flush the toilet. I’ve been in so many places where you don’t flush when there’s no running water and I didn’t understand what the sign was talking about. I know other people had used this bathroom, though, so it obviously works. So I decided to simply go and not flush for safe measures since I didn’t want to screw anything up. I got back into bed and heard the girls making a big fuss about how gross it was that I didn’t flush. The bathroom had smelled of urine before I even went in there anyways! I was so embarrassed and confused about everything. Apparently they were also unimpressed with me about something else, but I was so clueless and confused that I didn’t know what to do. So all of this, plus my exhaustion, made for me crying myself to sleep that night. Or rather, crying to myself for a while since I never actually fell asleep. Alice was obviously annoyed to share a bed with me also, which didn’t help my situation when I already felt so lost and bad about everything and didn’t know how to solve anything. That was probably my worst night yet.

WEDNESDAY: I got up and from the start felt like no one wanted anything to do with me after last night. I still was so uncertain about the culture and what to do that I kept feeling like a piece of scum. Thandi asked if I wanted to bathe, but of course I didn’t know what exactly that entailed at her house, so I politely declined the offer. She then came back a little bit later and told me that actually she was requiring me to do so. (I promise I wasn’t stinky or dirty at this point!) So I went in there and used the bucket of water to rinse myself and do the best I could with such a little amount of cold water. She could tell how flustered I was, though, and before she left me in the bathroom to try to figure this out, so gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. It was very genuine and comforting, and although it didn’t fix anything, it was the first motherly-love I’ve felt here. I was so emotional at this point that I almost burst out in tears right then and there upon receiving this affection. I controlled myself, though, and just thanked her and carried on in my mess of mess-ups.

We had porridge and these blocks of cereal for breakfast, then Juliet and I walked over to the LEAD preschool that the orphans attend. (it was within sight of the house – an easy walk) Pastor LJ assigned me to a project to basically do a mini portfolio on each of the orphans so that people back in the States or around the world can sponsor one. They don’t have anything, so even just $10 would help more than you could ever believe. Let me know if you’re interested.

None of the children can speak English, so the teacher helped me out. I’d guess she was about 24-years-old and had brought her baby to class with her because she obviously had no other options. She also wasn’t my biggest fan, but I think this was more so just because I was an “ignorant American girl.” I can honestly say I don’t think I did anything wrong with her, but she didn’t much like me from the start. We pulled the kids out one by one to take their picture and find out each child’s interests so I could get a mini-profile-thing going. Each kid was excited, but obviously scared of the camera. I couldn’t tell the gender of half of the kids because they all have shaved heads and most of them were unintentional cross-dressers since they don’t exactly have many clothes options. For instance, one little boy had on hot-pink overalls, while a wide-eyed girl wore a blue-striped polo and khaki pants. Needless to say, all the clothes were tattered and filthy. Some of the kids didn’t even have shoes, and of the lucky ones that did, maybe two or three actually had ones that fit. Yet none of this even fazed them. They all were just happy to be at school and have someone to take care of them through the LEAD program.

In doing the project, I asked each one what they like. (or rather, the teacher asked them in Shona) Most of them said sweets or playing or school, but I did get a few answers that made me laugh such as: “Murungu” (aka “white person” in Shona), “some biscuits”, “telephone”, “drinking”. One boy, Spencer, stood out big time. He was very naughty, but a leader in the same. He kept “flirting” with Juliet and me. He also said that he doesn’t like me taking pictures because he “doesn’t want to be sucked into the ‘tin’ (camera).” He’d wipe the air in front of him if I did take his picture because it “stopped him from being stuck in there.” It was all in fun, and it made me laugh.

Before class was dismissed, the children had lunch, which they all brought from “home” (the houses that they stay in). Each child’s lunch was simply half a cob of corn because that’s all that was available. A few of the lucky ones got a mango as well. They all shared with one another – including taking bites out of the mangos – and even ate off the floor. At one point a few of the kids were pretending like they were still eating as a game after they’d finished their corn. (It reminded me of Peter Pan how the “Lost Boys” would just imagine they were eating because they had no food, but it’d then become real and fill them up.)

After we got back from the preschool, Thandi’s boys asked me when I was coming back to visit. I thought it was more so like, “Oh, please don’t come back, we need to brace ourselves for if you do…” but turns out they actually wanted me to. They started to lighten up to me and we actually ended up hanging out. They showed me around the farm – I watched a guy milk a cow, saw how they process tobacco for manufacture, visited their pigs, etc. – and I showed them my laptop and pictures from home. We even made plans for Saturday to go into town and see a movie and then they were planning to take me to an event called “Miss Tourism” with them. I was so excited to finally have friends and plans even! (I’m writing this in the present, on Saturday, see how it turns out…)

So we left the Farm after lunch and when we got home there was still no electricity. I bathed in cold water once again (because the helped, Mbuya Evelyn definitely doesn’t like me). When other people are around she’ll be civil and treat me like she does the other people, but when it’s just me she just rolls her eyes if I ask her a question or for help (in the same way Juliet and LJ ask her). She doesn’t help me either. Oh well, I guess it’s all part of the process in learning to fend for myself here.

Simon & I at farm  Spencer- Naughty

THURSDAY: Juilet and I got a day off because Treat had arranged for us to hang out and got permission from Pastor Lovejoy. I was so excited to have a day with someone I could relate to! She was taking Juliet and I out to show us around and just spend a fun day out. We were supposed to meet her in town, so Juliet brought me with her to a hair salon so she could get her hair done first. (Oh my, getting your hair done for an African is quite an process!) Her hair was going to take about four hours, though, so Treat and I went ahead and Juliet was going to call us to meet up when she was done. (She ended up not contacting us all day because she was spending it with her boyfriend. I was fine with that – actually liked the time with Treat alone – but wasn’t pleased with her lack of consideration in letting me know. I brushed it off, though.)

Turns out there really aren’t many fun places in Zimbabwe, but Treat and I still enjoyed the day in Borrowdale Village (an upper scale shopping strand). We just chatted and window-shopped – I have no money to spare while I’m here. She told me about her family and life and allowed me to vent and reminiscent of my life back home. To top it off, I got a pear as part of my lunch – a fresh fruit to remind me of home! Let me tell ya, that was the best dang pear I’ve had in my entire life. We ddin’t really do anything of importance all day, but it was still a great time out with a new friend.

We ran into a couple of Treat’s friends throughout the day. Two guys even invited us out for a night on the town tonight (as in Friday night, I wrote this yesterday). They’re trying to convince me that Africa is not all that bad. I got permission from Lovejoy in return for me putting in a hard day’s work if I could arrange transportation home afterwards. (Written Friday: So although I’m so tired, I’m looking forward to meeting new people and seeing the night life of Harare tonight.)

After our visit, Lovejoy took us to Spar – the popular grocery store chain here – to get some groceries. Much of the food was way more expensive here than even back in the States. For instance, a box of Kellogs Frosted Flakes (or Frosties as it’s named here, Tony the Tiger and all) was over $7. This was an extreme, mind you, but still. And don’t even think about Splenda or low-fat anything – it’s all real and rich.

Pastor Lovejoy knows how much I’ve been dying for just a nice, refreshing salad, so he surprised me with lettuce, bell peppers, cucumber, and some salad dressing. I was so excited! So I prepared the salad while we heated up, what else, but sadza and fatty beef. The lettuce ended up being spoiled, so the salad was a flop. We still picked through it to the few goodies (veggies other than gross lettuce) and ate the rest of the meal. He said we’ll try the lettuce again at another place sometime.

Oh, and random note: The guys I’ve made friends with (Mbuya Evelyn’s sons, Thandi’s boys, and Treat’s friends) have started texting me. They’re even inviting me out places. Look at that – Dani is making friends!!

Julie’s old hair  Treat & me

FRIDAY: I woke up at 7 am and packed my bag to go out tonight. We had a quick breakfast and drove into town to buy some supplies for the tasks of the day. It took forever to buy because people have no motivation here, so they were all lazy and took their time with everything. We got to the Institute and Juliet and I painted bookshelves for the library. (see pictures) We ran out of paint, though, so I don’t know what will come about in the end. Lovejoy taught his seminary class. Now I’m all gross and covered in paint, but off to town soon to catch a ride to Treat’s to get ready and go out with Tafara and Andy. I haven’t had electricity, or time, for days, so I’m way behind on my emails and such. I’m really missing some people from home. Oh, and I’m still trying to get used to Juliet’s new hair-do. I’m learning that I don’t handle change that well, and her new appearance is taking some time to get used to. (again, see pictures)

(Note: this was written on Friday and I’m typing it up now on Saturday) I’m finally starting to get into the swing of things here. I’m making friends, but still haven’t fully come to the realization that I’m here for about eight months. This is my life, not just a visit. I still think of it at times like I’m just here temporarily. I WISH!

Ok, I’m caught up to what I’d written previously. It’s Saturday evening now, so I’ll now write from the perspective of the present…

After work, Lovejoy dropped Juliet into town and drove me to Treat’s house. I was trying to call Treat because that hadn’t been the plans, but the network was down. I tried over and over to call/text her, but to no avail. On the drive, though, I heard that Miapamala, a woman that works in the Institute doing all the odd-jobs, was overheard talking with someone else about how impressed she is with my hard work ethic. Lovejoy said that apparently she was really touched to see me, a white person, serving alongside, even under in many cases, the black Africans. It touched me to hear that maybe I am actually making a difference to show that color is no issue. I am a human being, just as everyone else, regardless of race, and I’m serving to the best of my ability. I guess it really changed her perception of white people, or so I was told.

Anyways, so I was dropped off at Treat’s house and no one was home, but Lovejoy just had me stay there with their helper, Charity. I still couldn’t get a hold of Treat, so I just had to hope she’d come home soon. My gut instinct told me I should’ve just ridden home with LJ when I had the chance, but I didn’t want to bail on Treat so I stayed. I tried getting in contact with Treat non-stop for over three hours while I just sat there. Her poor helper, Charity, was trying to make me feel comfortable, but she just actually made things so much more awkward. There wasn’t anything to do, and she couldn’t speak hardly any English, so we just sat there. We tried to communicate a bit, but again, it was painfully awkward. I did manage to learn that she’s 21-years-old, has a little boy, is divorced and has a certificate for interior design. She is just earning enough money doing the housework here now to eventually get a passport and move to South Africa to work in interior design. She showed me some of her work and pictures of her family and friends. Even then, as much as we were trying to be cool, it was so uncomfortable. I honestly would’ve rather just sitting alone, but I think she didn’t feel comfortable with that since although she knows Lovejoy and knew that Treat and I were friends and had plans, she didn’t want to risk the idea of me stealing or breaking anything. It was three miserable hours. Then finally Treat called me and came home immediately, but even that took a long time.

By the time Treat got there, I was exhausted. I really wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep or cry or something, but I decided to suck it up and make the most of my night and meet new people. She was with two friends already, so these guys drove us around. One was completely wasted and offered me a drink, but I politely declined. I don’t think a mission trip should include too much alcohol if I do say so myself… We drove to pick up another one of her friends. It was about half an hour or longer or a drive, and we got her friend at a party. They wanted to hang out there for a while so I went in and met everyone and hung out. I didn’t want to be a party-pooper, but I was just plain exhausted and didn’t want to be there. Regardless, I kept a smile on my face and socialized. The party reminded me a long of house parties back home. One girl was really drunk, though, and amazed at having a white person at her party. She was all over me and being really aggressive about being my friend. Oh well, it was an experience to say the least.

I finally convinced Treat and them to head back to Borrowdale where we were supposed to meet up with the guys from the start. We got to the place and I just talked with them for a little bit, but after such a lousy night, I was ready to call it quits. I got a ride home by myself because Treat wanted to stay and hang out. I was lucky to remember the way home from there, but I couldn’t call LJ to come pick me up after he’d already let me come out and gas costs so much so he hates driving.

So that was my first night out. I don’t think I can say I enjoyed one bit of it, but oh well. You live you learn… at least I was still excited about the plans I had for today, Saturday, with Thandi’s sons. I liked them better anyways, so I was still trying to stay positive.

So I woke up this morning and was really happy to have a fun day out with the guys. We had plans for 3. They were going to drive into town and even come pick me up (like I said, LJ isn’t a fan of driving). Then we were definitely on for a movie and the “Miss Tourism” was a maybe. I took a bath. It was a luke-warm bath, even, because I had the house to myself so I could heat up water. I took my time and enjoyed it – I even shaved for the first time since I’ve been here! Yummy, I know. So I got all ready and actually look nice.

I was warned before about “Africa time,” where 3 o’clock really means between 3:00 and 7:00. It is now 5:30 pm and I’m still sitting here, all dressed and ready to go. I called Willard, one of the brothers that I have plans with – the one I’ve been talking to the most that said we are “for sure on for the movies.” He informed me that actually they probably aren’t coming today, but he’ll let me know. Don, his brother, just called me to tell me they’re still at the Farm (over an hour away) and may come to town later, but probably won’t be hanging out. I really wanted to go out today, so I texted Treat to see what she’s doing. I haven’t heard back. I talked to Luke, who told me over an hour ago that he wants to go to the “Miss Tourism” thing with me. I haven’t heard from him since even though he told me he was less than 2 km away and on his way home when we talked. Let’s see… I imagine Tafara would like to go with me since he had also invited me, even though I turned him down because I had plans with Thandi’s boys already, but from the way things are going, I’d probably just be setting myself up for even more disappointment. The things is, though, this is just a way of life here. None of these people feel bad and none have even tried to make an excuse. It’s just like if you show up, you show up. If not, then no big deal. Maybe it’s because there’s such poor cell phone service, maybe because the transportation is so limited, I don’t know. All I know is that I am not used to this, and I feel like I’d been punched in the stomach about four-times over. This is just constant disappointment. I am sitting here while Mbuya Evelyn (the maid that hates me) cooks, and I’m actually looking ok, dressed to go out for the day, on the verge of tears once again.

I just want to go home so badly. I want to at least call home! But even then, it’s way too expensive. That is, if the reception would even work, which is doubtful – not to mention the time difference would make things inconvenient for people at home. I’ve bailed on people before, but always for a good reason. And even then, I felt really bad and would let them know ASAP that I wasn’t going to be able to make it. These people just leave me hanging. They have no intentions of coming and no intentions of even informing me that I’ve been ditched.

My eyes are brimming with tears right now, but I don’t want to mess up my make-up in the off chance that Luke still happens to follow through. The “Miss Tourism” thing isn’t until 7 pm, so for all I know, he’ll just show up at the door at 6:45 or 7… or 8 for that matter. I want to just curl into bed and be depressed and cry, but I’m trying to keep at least a little hope and stay as positive as I can that maybe I’ll actually go out tonight and maybe even have a little bit of fun if I do. Then again, why am I setting myself up for even more heartbreak?

This is teaching me many things. First, I need to learn to deal with change and disappointment better. Second, I never again want to flake on someone, even if better plans come up. Third, I need to get used to this African way of life where nothing is certain and I can’t hold any expectations or get my hopes up. If it happens, it happens, sweet. But like I said, I want absolutely nothing more than to go home right now. The little glimmer or hope that I’d found has been completely washed away and filled with even more sadness and loneliness. I miss all my friends and family – people that actually care about me and my feelings! Then again, I know these people actually do like me, it’s just they are oblivious that their actions may hurt. Like I said, it’s just the norm here, but it’s new to me and it really does hurt. God, I wish I had worn waterproof mascara at least; it’s SO hard to fight back the tears right now. And if I do end up going out tonight – which is doubtful – I pray no one tells me that my hair is messed up or that the sky is cloudy because I think I’d burst into tears at anything. God, I NEED you now… where are you??!

So I finally have electricity and Internet… but very little time! I have had a lot of stuff going on. Lots to blog about in the near future. So brace yourself for a long one or two. That is, if anyone is actually interested in this thing. Should I keep it up? I know my mom reads it, but of course, she’s my mom- it’s her job. Does anyone else? I’d really love if yall signed up and posted or commented or something just so I know and can interact. I get emails occassionally, which I loveeeeee… but this would be even cooler. Just let me know.

Thanks!

1/31

Pastor Lovejoy is starting his circuit around the different churches in the area to talk about the upcoming Prayer Summit, so we visited a different church this morning. It was in English, so I was happy! And it comes as no surprise that the people were once again, so full of passion for the Lord. I felt a twinge of hope regarding my faith situation.

The sermon today was regarding Exodus, Chapter 5. It was the story of Moses and Aaron going to Pharaoh to ask him to let their people go. Pharaoh, in turn, added an even heavier workload to the slaves’ already tough work. The pastor then spoke about how Christians tend to live a harder life. They constantly have the Devil after them. The stronger the person, the more Satan wants him away from God. It helped me to put things into perspective about the battle for my spirit going on right now. I still have a hard time believing it, but there is a God who is fighting for me. He loves me. The Enemy just continues to hit me where I’m most vulnerable. So I can’t say that it changed everything and the light to Heaven is now shining down on me, but it did spark a little glimmer in my heart.

On another note, I ate at my first restaurant since I’ve been here. It was called Wimpy’s, and we went after church today. It was Juliet, Pastor Lovejoy, and myself, along with two other men. One that was a big part of the church we attended, and the other was a man that Pastor Lovejoy had led to the Lord over 25 years ago. That man is now an active Christian, bringing Christ to the world. The restaurants don’t give you anything to drink, so I had to purchase water, and we all had tea. (Tea seems to be the staple drink here.) I wasn’t very hungry though, because we had just eaten breakfast a little bit ago, so I just got a salad. Their “salad” was a big plate of cooked beans, coleslaw, beets, and some sliced cucumbers and tomatoes, with two small pieces of lettuce. Note to self: never order a salad in Zimbabwe again. It was pretty gross, but it was lunch, so I ate it all anyways.

Then we head home and Juliet and I did laundry. This was my first time to experience the process that goes into getting clean clothes here, and oh boy did it open my eyes! I’ll attach some pictures. We don’t have any running water today, so Juliet and I used a minimal amount in the bathtub. There was a bar of laundry soap stuff that we had to scrub and scrub at the clothes and soak them in already dirty water. It was quite an in-depth procedure. Juliet kept laughing at me for my poor attempt to maneuver the clothes with a certain technique. It took a long time and I don’t know how effective it was. One thing I do know, though, is that I will NEVER see doing the “laundry” at home as a chore the way I did before. Thank God for washing machines!!! Then we wrung every article of clothing out and hung it with clothespins out on the line to dry. Again, who knows how effective that will be since I’ve already seen plenty of bugs on them. I guess I should just be thankful in general, not just for the clean-ish clothes, but also for opening up my eyes to the beauty of washing and drying machines, which I had so totally taken for granted before.

Juliet is working on dinner while I’m working on this right now. We just took a break from those to go fetch water from the well since we’re out of the bit we’d had. I miss running water! That was quite an experience as well. I took the liberty of working the crank to get the full effects of it. My arms are definitely tired right now. We then carried the water buckets back to the house on our heads! I just carried the small ones and used my hands to brace it, but most of the women here carry huge loads of different things on their heads without using their hands to balance it… I have absolutely no idea how they do it! That is one of my goals for while I’m here though- to learn to carry a bucket on my head, hands-free. I’m off to help Juliet with dinner tonight though, so hopefully I don’t completely destroy our meal!

I was doing a lot of thinking last night, and I think I’m beginning to realize what my issue with my connection with God is. I have developed this “scientific” mind, which the Enemy is using against me. I have grown to be a very logical person. It’s funny because my big brother and I talk about how although we have our romantic sides, we are both far more in the logical, realist realm. I have never been the type to think I’m in love with someone just for the passion behind it, but rather I think about every aspect of pretty much everything. Basically, I want answers in life and I need evidence to back these answers up. I wrote this letter to my big brother, who I think is experiencing something similar to myself. I didn’t think I would share these thoughts with really anyone because I am ashamed of my own lack of faith, but here goes…

“I was thinking last night about my relationship with God and why it has been so lacking the past few years, but especially the last one. I think that I’m starting to get that “scientific mind” as well, and it’s hard for me to believe in Him when it’s not tangible. I know that’s what faith is all about, but I think that may be the truth behind it all. I’ve been trying to figure it out for so long. I pray all the time, but it’s like I’m just speaking at nothing, saying the words that I know are supposed to be said. There’s absolutely no emotions or feelings behind it. I have always said that although I don’t feel the connection with God, I have no doubts about Him. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’ve just said that because it’s what I want to believe. I so badly want to believe and want to have that relationship with the Lord, but I’m just really struggling with it. Did you ever see that movie The Invention of Lying with Jennifer Garner? It really got my mind spinning when I saw it about how much sense it’d make for someone to just make up the whole thing to keep society in line and give people a purpose in life. I don’t know what my thoughts are at this point, but I really WANT to believe. It’s like I’m trying to trick myself into having that faith, even though I’m hoping that it’s the truth and that I can find God. I don’t know… I continue to work on it and all, but I just had that epiphany last night that maybe my problem is that deep down, I do actually have that doubt that there’s a God. It all just seems so unreal, you know? I really want to have that faith, but I don’t know what to do to overcome these thoughts. I want to say it’s the devil working hard at me, which I half believe, but half of me just says that I’m sadly learning the reality. I’m really shook up by it all, because like I said, I want nothing more than to believe with all of my heart and have that faith, regardless of proof. Even the proof that I hear about I’ve started to reason out ways that it isn’t real or that it’s just coincidence or whatnot. What are your thoughts about it? I mean, what are your thoughts regarding what I said, and what are your thoughts about God in general? I feel pretty empty right now in that realm, especially when I’m surrounded by people with such strong faith. I can honestly say that I’d rather believe whole-heartedly and have it not be real than to not believe even if I’m right.

I guess I have 8 months to figure out my thoughts on everything, and regardless of the end result, I know that I’m doing good work here and helping people out. Even if I don’t believe everything that I’m representing, I know that having faith is the main thing that brings these people happiness. And like I said, I’d rather believe in something that’s not real than not believe at all. It just helps to add purpose and a crutch to your life. Now I would normally never say that, but this is just one area that I really do feel that it’s ok to be wrong in, if that were the case. The only problem is that I can’t actually get myself to believe it just because I want to…”

I know this is completely taboo and NOT what someone on a mission trip should be thinking. I do have faith that in the end I will get what I need to out of it and recognize the Lord for what He is and truly KNOW Him and His love. Right now, though, I continue to struggle. The Enemy will seek, kill, and destroy, and knows me all too well. It knows exactly what angles to hit me with and how to shake up my foundation and my faith in every aspect. So please, direct your prayers in this direction, that I may know the Lord with all my heart and soul. I will continue to do this work in the Lord’s name, and I do feel in my heart of hearts that in the end, I will come back. It’s just an uphill battle right now.

I went on a walk with Mbuya Evelyn’s son, Luke, tonight. We talked about many different things, and at one point he asked me what I am studying back in the States. I told him mechanical engineering, but then trailed off into thought. I have no idea what I want. I think that mechanical engineering is for me, and I do see myself pursuing it as a career someday, but I’m not certain. I still have so much self-discovery to do. As I thought about this, I jokingly said, “But who knows…” Luke, without even a second of hesitation, replied so matter-of-factly “God.” I was taken aback by his assuredness. He then reiterated, “God knows,” and casually continued our conversation. I want that sense of certainty that the people here seem to have. The simplicity of their lives seems to help reduce the distractions and keep them solid in their faith. I want that genuine faith that Luke has. He has no doubts that there is a God Almighty and that He loves me and just wants me to believe in Him and His power. It’s there; I just have to find it. But I know that when I do, it will be something deeper than I have ever known.

So there you go… there’s just another one of the many things I have had on my mind that are “wrong” and I never thought I’d share them at all, let alone with the whole Internet. God only knows where I’ll end up with this one…

But God does know.

Any advice on how to get to the Truth? Anyone ever been here? I’ll take anything you can give me.

this is when i gave these guys the soccer ball from home. Luke is the one on the far right that’s reaching for the ball. Isaiah is right next to him.

I tried to post an Introduction the other day and just realized it didn’t actually post, so I’ll add that soon. I’ll also add the photos and videos and update this whole thing since it was handed over to me to take over as is. Sorry for the old stuff on it, but it’ll be nice and spiffy soon enough!

Thanks!