“God Knows”
I was doing a lot of thinking last night, and I think I’m beginning to realize what my issue with my connection with God is. I have developed this “scientific” mind, which the Enemy is using against me. I have grown to be a very logical person. It’s funny because my big brother and I talk about how although we have our romantic sides, we are both far more in the logical, realist realm. I have never been the type to think I’m in love with someone just for the passion behind it, but rather I think about every aspect of pretty much everything. Basically, I want answers in life and I need evidence to back these answers up. I wrote this letter to my big brother, who I think is experiencing something similar to myself. I didn’t think I would share these thoughts with really anyone because I am ashamed of my own lack of faith, but here goes…
“I was thinking last night about my relationship with God and why it has been so lacking the past few years, but especially the last one. I think that I’m starting to get that “scientific mind” as well, and it’s hard for me to believe in Him when it’s not tangible. I know that’s what faith is all about, but I think that may be the truth behind it all. I’ve been trying to figure it out for so long. I pray all the time, but it’s like I’m just speaking at nothing, saying the words that I know are supposed to be said. There’s absolutely no emotions or feelings behind it. I have always said that although I don’t feel the connection with God, I have no doubts about Him. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’ve just said that because it’s what I want to believe. I so badly want to believe and want to have that relationship with the Lord, but I’m just really struggling with it. Did you ever see that movie The Invention of Lying with Jennifer Garner? It really got my mind spinning when I saw it about how much sense it’d make for someone to just make up the whole thing to keep society in line and give people a purpose in life. I don’t know what my thoughts are at this point, but I really WANT to believe. It’s like I’m trying to trick myself into having that faith, even though I’m hoping that it’s the truth and that I can find God. I don’t know… I continue to work on it and all, but I just had that epiphany last night that maybe my problem is that deep down, I do actually have that doubt that there’s a God. It all just seems so unreal, you know? I really want to have that faith, but I don’t know what to do to overcome these thoughts. I want to say it’s the devil working hard at me, which I half believe, but half of me just says that I’m sadly learning the reality. I’m really shook up by it all, because like I said, I want nothing more than to believe with all of my heart and have that faith, regardless of proof. Even the proof that I hear about I’ve started to reason out ways that it isn’t real or that it’s just coincidence or whatnot. What are your thoughts about it? I mean, what are your thoughts regarding what I said, and what are your thoughts about God in general? I feel pretty empty right now in that realm, especially when I’m surrounded by people with such strong faith. I can honestly say that I’d rather believe whole-heartedly and have it not be real than to not believe even if I’m right.
I guess I have 8 months to figure out my thoughts on everything, and regardless of the end result, I know that I’m doing good work here and helping people out. Even if I don’t believe everything that I’m representing, I know that having faith is the main thing that brings these people happiness. And like I said, I’d rather believe in something that’s not real than not believe at all. It just helps to add purpose and a crutch to your life. Now I would normally never say that, but this is just one area that I really do feel that it’s ok to be wrong in, if that were the case. The only problem is that I can’t actually get myself to believe it just because I want to…”
I know this is completely taboo and NOT what someone on a mission trip should be thinking. I do have faith that in the end I will get what I need to out of it and recognize the Lord for what He is and truly KNOW Him and His love. Right now, though, I continue to struggle. The Enemy will seek, kill, and destroy, and knows me all too well. It knows exactly what angles to hit me with and how to shake up my foundation and my faith in every aspect. So please, direct your prayers in this direction, that I may know the Lord with all my heart and soul. I will continue to do this work in the Lord’s name, and I do feel in my heart of hearts that in the end, I will come back. It’s just an uphill battle right now.
I went on a walk with Mbuya Evelyn’s son, Luke, tonight. We talked about many different things, and at one point he asked me what I am studying back in the States. I told him mechanical engineering, but then trailed off into thought. I have no idea what I want. I think that mechanical engineering is for me, and I do see myself pursuing it as a career someday, but I’m not certain. I still have so much self-discovery to do. As I thought about this, I jokingly said, “But who knows…” Luke, without even a second of hesitation, replied so matter-of-factly “God.” I was taken aback by his assuredness. He then reiterated, “God knows,” and casually continued our conversation. I want that sense of certainty that the people here seem to have. The simplicity of their lives seems to help reduce the distractions and keep them solid in their faith. I want that genuine faith that Luke has. He has no doubts that there is a God Almighty and that He loves me and just wants me to believe in Him and His power. It’s there; I just have to find it. But I know that when I do, it will be something deeper than I have ever known.
So there you go… there’s just another one of the many things I have had on my mind that are “wrong” and I never thought I’d share them at all, let alone with the whole Internet. God only knows where I’ll end up with this one…
But God does know.
Any advice on how to get to the Truth? Anyone ever been here? I’ll take anything you can give me.
this is when i gave these guys the soccer ball from home. Luke is the one on the far right that’s reaching for the ball. Isaiah is right next to him.
I know for me as an ‘over-the-hill’ adult who has been seeking God all my life, it’s been an ongoing process, not a moment of lightening like it is for some. Growing up in the strict Catholic church of the 60’s and 70’s, it was simply doing what I had to do to please my parents and priests and not anything that was ever just personal between me and God. I was following rules and heaven help me if I did not do a good job of that. That’s back when we were taught that if we missed church on Sunday or ate meat on Friday that we were sure to be kept out of heaven for eternity unless we went to confession and did penance and promised never to do it again. God was something I was suppossed to believe in, but my dad probably had it right when he would tell me that he felt closer to God when he was out in his orchards than ever when he was in church. I was still a loooooong way from feeling him and was certainly going through times of wondering if this was just the way the church controlled the people too. Then when I went to college in the late 70’s I started going to ‘Campus Crusaide for Christ’ meetings and felt a connection to Him really for the first time on a personal basis. That’s really the first time I started to study the bible as well. Boy did things start to change as I started to have a personal understanding and connection to God and Christ. I went to a Billy Grahme crusaide [sorry for the horrible spelling here, but no time to look up these words and I'm sure you'll forgive me] and it really broke open my heart to know God better and that’s really when I started to understand my need to be the passenger in my life, not the driver. And from there it’s just been a continuation of growth and learning and reading and talking to others walking a path towards him slowly but surely. Now in my 50’s I feel closer to him than to anyone else in my life, and I have some pretty amazing human relationships. He’s the only one I care about pleasing any longer, He’s the only one I turn to for guidance and protection any longer. I don’t care what name you call him, your higher source, devine guidance, your higher self, etc., I only know for sure that that still small voice I hear in my gut instinct, along with the serindepity and ‘coincidence’ that I notice happening all the time these days when he brings me just the right next book to read or person to talk to is him. If he doesn’t exist like some people think of him, then all I know for sure is he sure does in my life in some way or another and there is simply not one other thing that has brought me more happiness [bordering on joy now most of the time] and peace. I know exactly where you are and how you are feeling, and my only advice to you is continue to open your thoughts and feelings to him and just let him come in how and where and when he wants to and keep appreciating everything around you [even if you have to fake it] as I believe gratitufe is the best, most mature, form of prayer we can give him. I personally have totally stopped asking him for what I want and simply trust that he already knows more about what you and everyone else in the world wants, and thank him for everything [and I mean everything] knowing that you are where you are for His purposes and He will and is blessing you right now even if you can’t see it. Even in your doubts and faults and weaknesses, he loves you unconditonally and that means without judgement of any kind. And continue to let Him bless others through you, recognizing that it’s him and not you that is responsible for those blessings . . . feel no pressure, just ask him to help you get out of the way while he takes the wheel. Especially on the left side of the road.