Pray Now Zimbabwe

2-6

Note: I didn’t plan on actually posting this… it was more-so just me needing to journal and get stuff off my chest. I just decided to go ahead and put myself out there, though, regardless of how pathetic and embarrassing this is. It was so real at the time. I am going to continue to just be open and honest, like it or not.

I’ve never felt this extreme emotional pain before. I honestly didn’t even think it was possible. I’ve read about such things before, but never thought it was real. I’ve been through some tough times in my life, but I’ve always found ways to cope with them. I’ve grasped onto different coping mechanisms – some even that were dangerous, although not drugs or alcohol. Right now, though, I have nothing. My whole body aches and I feel faint. My throat is so tight and I don’t know if I even have anymore tears in my body. Everything has come crashing down. I’m so painfully lonely. I don’t have a close connection with anyone here. My only bits of hope and happiness have been wiped away. I want to go home so badly right now. I don’t even care that I sound like a baby… I want my mom’s arms around me right now more than I have ever wanted something. For the past hour I’ve been sobbing like a baby and shaking. My throat literally tightened up so much that I couldn’t breathe for a minute and thought I was going to pass out. I was actually hopeful that maybe I would pass out even, just so I could get a momentary escape from the pain.

I finally realized that I needed to give up on any bit of hope I had for my day. I let myself cry. Oh God, did I need to cry. I’m all alone here and there’s no way to ease the pain. I have tried calling every single number I have from back home. The reception isn’t working at all. For the past hour I’ve just been pushing redial for my mom. I want my mama. L I want my dad. I want Taylor or Nathan or Sam. I just need someone right now so badly.

I think Luke could hear me sobbing from outside. He called me to invite me for a jog with him and Dread. He knows that I’ve been wanting to do that, but my face is so swollen and blotchy right now from crying. My whole body is tingly from this immense pain that I’m forced to actually endure for once. I didn’t answer the phone when he called, but after the third time and I know he can probably hear it ringing, I did. I just told him I couldn’t go out. I’m so lost in my self-pity right now that even that couldn’t help me feel even a smidgen better. Then Treat just texted me to invite me to a barbeque with her. Again, I’m in absolutely no state to go out. I am depressed and maybe I even enjoy letting myself actually experience this pain for the first time. I hate it more than you can imagine, and I want to get out of it, but it’s so nice to just let it all out. To cry and cry and cry.

Mbuya Evelyn came back into the house to stir some pots or something for a minute. I know she doesn’t like me at all, but half of me wanted so desperately for her to just come in to see me. I want her to understand that I’m not stand-offish or snobby, I’m just confused and lonely. I don’t know what I’m ever supposed to do! I was hoping that she wouldn’t come in because she’d probably get satisfaction in seeing me suffer. Or she may try to ask what’s wrong and our language barrier would make it awkward, especially if she didn’t really care. Or maybe she’d just ignore me. But the other half of me wanted her so badly to just come into my room here where she knows I’m crying and put her arms around me. I didn’t want her to say a word, just to have someone here. I don’t feel like I can talk to Pastor Lovejoy because we don’t have that relationship. He’s a good man, but I just don’t feel THAT connection with him yet. It’s more of a polite, caring relationship. He’s letting me stay at his house and I’m working for him and we talk and such, but it’s just not there.

God, I keep pushing Send to call home and it won’t go through. Why is this happening to me?? Why, God, why?! I don’t feel you at all right now, I don’t even know if you’re there. Why does this have to be the time when my faith is at its lowest? Father, I NEED YOU! I can’t do this by myself. I just want to go home. Why do I have to be so damn strong all the time? I already know now that there is no way I’m going home. I’m here for a reason. I know that. But why does this have to be so hard? Can’t I learn lessons in an easier manner? Lord, just zap me with knowledge and lessons and I’ll be good. I know I can handle all of this, but right now it sure as hell feels like this is my breaking point. But what does that mean? I haven’t had some epiphany that God is the only way. I mean, I can tell myself that all I want, but my brain will not accept it just because that’s what I “should” believe. I need you, Christ, but how do I get to you? Or rather, how do I let myself get to you? I know you’re there, but my worldly ways are holding me back from you. UGH! Just put me out of my misery, please.

Oh great, now Mbuya Evelyn just came in. She told me to come eat, but I’ve already eaten and cannot even stomach the idea of sitting there and stuffing my stomach to keep her from hating me even more. She asked why I’m crying – more so demanded that I tell her in a really mean way. I told her that it was just something stupid, I just miss my family and stuff. She is now mad at me and that just got me going crying again. I really can’t imagine staying here another seven months. Hah, it hasn’t even been a month, so it’s actually longer than that. This is harder than I ever could’ve prepared myself for.

And to add to that, now Don (one of Thandi’s boys that I had initially had plans with today) keeps calling me. I’m so upset right now that I don’t want anything to do with them or anyone here. I keep just pushing Reject. I know that it is a different culture and that how they treated me is acceptable and normal here, but I can’t quite accept that. I want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them that I’m hurt and angry and that I had turned down other plans because I was excited to hang out with them. They crushed everything.

I have to admit to myself that they didn’t do anything. I let myself get to the state I’m at. I keep wallowing in myself and feeling sorry for myself. I want to go home so badly that I’ve even been hoping for something really bad to happen to me right now just so I’ll be sent home to get it taken care of and be able to save face. I have too much pride to go home on my own account. Screw my independence and self-will. Why can’t I just baby it up and go home? I want to be weak for once!

Golly, Don keeps calling me! I’m not going to answer tonight. Maybe I’ll tell him why later. The thing is though, normally I’m really open and honest with people and tell them straight=up how I feel, but this culture is so different that I don’t even think it will go over well. Oh well, I’m not going to worry about it now. I’ll just see how things go.

Luke just came over. I didn’t answer the door so he just came in and came to my room. He asked if I was ok and heard me crying. He asked what’s wrong and again, I just said “stupid things.” He told me to come out and chat with him. I thought about it – it’s nice to have someone to talk to – but I decided against it. I told him that I’d probably rather be alone tonight, but that I really appreciated it. And man, even though I turned it down, he has no idea how much that really did mean to me. People keep calling me now, like non-stop. I’m so disgusting and full of self-pity and swollen and blotchy that I can’t go out anyways. What’s the deal?! I would trade every single one of their calls just to hear my mom’s voice for a second. Just to hear her voicemail, even. I wish it would go through. I guess this is forcing me to not rely on my mama’s comfort and support. I’ve done that before, though, so why now? I don’t understand any of this… and I hate to admit it, but I know the clarity will come and I’ll know it was all for a reason someday. Right now, though, I just continue to write my thoughts on here since it’s all I have. I guess I’m learning to cope with my emotions in a healthy manner and actually journal like I’ve been told to before? Who knows? (and Luke’s answer just came into my head… “God knows.”)

I just thought, well why doesn’t God come down and wrap his arms around me like I need so badly right now? Then my thoughts went to that maybe He’d sent Luke here to do so. I don’t know. I don’t understand how the Lord works. I don’t understand God at all right now. Or rather, I don’t understand myself at all right now. All I know is that I want to go home. The sickest part of the whole thing, though, is that even if I were given the opportunity to go home right this second, I know that I’d turn it down to stick this hell out.

Oh. My. God. I just heard the sound of the call going through. I got a hold of my mom!!! She’s going to call me back in 10 minutes. She’s leaving my littler brother’s basketball game to go home and call me. I don’t know if I should call her back and tell her not to? It’s so selfish of me, especially when I don’t even have anything of importance to say. I just need to hear her voice. To cry to her. To hear that everything is going to be ok and that my mama loves me.

Well that’s that I guess. I just tried to call her back to tell her that I’ll be ok and that it shouldn’t be all about me. I can honestly say that I got out of myself for a second. But of course, I got some British biotch recorder come on to tell me that “you have insufficient credit to make this call.” Everything happens for a reason, though, right? Maybe God is cutting me a break and letting me keep from being strong and giving me the chance to cry to my mom when I need it so badly. Thank you Lord.

Oh, and it was either Luke or Isaiah, but one of the boys just came by again to check on me. They are Heaven-sent for sure. But whichever one it was, they told me Lovejoy is on his way home. I hope Evelyn didn’t call him or anything. I finally get to talk to my mom… I want to be able to cry to her and tell her everything, not filter it and keep in stuff for fear of anyone hearing. Dangit! Now I even more so wish I could call her back and tell her to not worry about me. Funny how things work out sometimes, huh?

Damn, I hear the car now. My mom will call me soon and it’s all for nothing.

So I ended up talking to my parents for about 45 minutes. We had a really nice chat and I just talked to them about everything that I was feeling and they were encouraging and insightful. My mom also pointed out ways that I can help the people here in achieving a better life just by enlightening them to some of the American ways of life that help us to succeed. My parents are some pretty smart people if I do say so myself.

During that time, Don and Willard tried calling me numerous times. Luke stopped by again, and someone else texted from a random number. Thandi’s boys texted to tell me that they were on their way to say hey, even if I didn’t want to hang out anymore. I convinced them to not come because I didn’t want to see anyone after such an emotional day. But the thought really does count in this case. They each sent text messages as well. I also talked to Lovejoy for a while about everything. I told him how I’m feeling and just everything that’s going on. He helped me to understand the culture here better and taught me that people don’t focus on time whatsoever here. Rather, they focus on the event. For example, these guys didn’t even give a second thought to our time, they just wanted to see me and spend time together. I, on the other hand, am stuck in my American roots and was focused on what time we were getting together, as opposed to what we were doing. When the time was disregarded, the event was crushed in my mind. I think we both need to learn from this. I am going to talk to them about keeping your word and how that applies to this, and I’m trying to learn to be more flexible and prioritize what the important aspects of this type of situation may be.

Lovejoy also taught me about how to REACT to situations.

R – Reach Out

E – Empathize

A – Analyze

C – Care (or something along those lines… to stay loving regardless, basically)

T – Talk, Train, and Transform

It obviously has much more depth to it than just the simple words, but I thought it was a very appropriate approach to people, especially here. They are walking a completely different path than I have been, so I can’t expect them to be on the same page as me all the time. I need to think about everything in a loving, thoughtful manner, that way people will, in turn, respond to me in such a way. If I truly want to help the people here – transform this nation – I need to handle myself in a Christ-like manner.

I’m about to go to sleep now. I’m exhausted after quite an emotional day. It’s been really difficult, but it’s been cleansing at the same time. I feel drained, but refreshed. Not only did I make it through a tough time (possibly the most emotionally-straining thing I’ve ever had to face without my usual coping mechanisms), but I’ve come to understand my role here a little bit more. I also am going to bed having realized that I actually do have quite a few people here that genuinely do care about me, they just don’t always show it in the same light that I expect or am used to. As my enlightened friend Kelly advised me… improvise, adapt, and overcome. I am trying to take this one day at a time and learn something new each and every day.