Understanding God
2/7
I didn’t actually fall asleep last night until past 4 am. I was up by 7 am just because that’s how my body is timed at this point. It’s a beautiful day outside and I just spent about half an hour sitting out there, doing my daily devotional, listening to the breeze and the birds, and feeling the sunshine on my face. It was so peaceful.
I had briefly gone over this devotional yesterday or the day before, but still just felt like I was going through the motions of my faith, so I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Now, however, it seemed to sink in that the Lord is talking to me personally. I’m not going to lie and say that I fell down on my knees after yesterday and now have a clear understanding of the Lord and His power, etc. but I am feeling my heart open up to the idea little by little. That is all I’ve been praying for – that the Lord will open up my heart to His truth and love. I want to know Him. I need to know Him.
This is what my devotional said this morning:
“Satan has, in fact, a plan against the saints of the Most High, which is to wear them out. What is meant by this phrase, “wear out”? It has in it the idea of reducing a little this minute, then reducing a little further the next minute. Reduce a little today, reduce a little tomorrow. Thus the wearing out is almost imperceptible; nevertheless, it is a reducing. The wearing down is scarcely an activity of which one is conscious, yet the end result is that there is nothing left. He will take away your prayer life little by little and cause you to trust God less and less and yourself more and more, a little at a time. He will make you feel somewhat cleverer than before. Step by step, you are misled to rely more on your own gift, and step by step, your heart is enticed away from the Lord. Now, were Satan to strike the children of God with great force at one time, they would know exactly how to resist the enemy since they would immediately recognize his work. He uses the method of gradualism to wear down the people of God.”
Thank you Lord, for speaking so clearly to me. I feel like this was written about me, specifically, since it’s exactly what has happened. I have slowly, but surely over the past few years learned to rely on God less and less and rely more and more on the worldly things. My prayer time was cut shorter and shorter by computer time, until it was nonexistent. When I was upset or anything, I would turn to food or technology or even simply a friend, but never God. Sometimes I’d cry out a prayer in desperation, but only out of habit, not because I actually meant it or felt anything would be changed by it. I have been blessed with a bit of intelligence, and I have learned to rely on that and myself – “[felt] somewhat cleverer than before” – rather than the Almighty One. Satan is so deceptive, so sly. It happened so discreetly over time that exactly as this says, I didn’t even recognize it. Well, occasionally I would notice signs, but I always disregarded them since it was so subtle. I have now come to the point where there is nothing left. I have been gnawed at to the point of nothing, but even now, even when I have such little faith, I know that God can restore me from this lowest of lows. He is all-powerful.
The verse that was also a part of the devotion was this:
“Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:28 – 31
I have been praying for the Lord to show Himself to me. I know it goes against what faith is all about, but I want a sign. If I open up my eyes, I see them all over the place. Yes, I still have my doubts and feel skeptical about all these things, all these possible coincidences, but it does give me bits of hope. I sure can’t fathom his understanding. That’s the main thing that has broken me down. I am an engineer. I want to always know how things work, be able to understand them, have evidence behind each aspect of my life. If I were to create something someday without solid facts and understanding, people could die. Yet, if I don’t learn to let myself fall unto God, I will die. I have felt so exhausted day after day; I need His strength and power. I want to “soar on wings like eagles.”
Man oh man, I never imagined the journey this trip to Zimbabwe would take me on. I thought maybe help a few people, hopefully have an easy growth with my connection with God, etc. It’s only been a little over two weeks and I’m already exploring things many people don’t even fully think about in their entire lives. Only God knows what else will come about from all of this.
